Willoos moet ek luister hoe die duister hoop in my laat kwyn.
Stil en seker kan ek tot U nader
Onbeskaamd staan ek
Ontbloot staan ek
en weerloos
dan hoor ek
niks sal jou kan los ruk
niks sal jou verpand
niks sal jou ontbreek
Jy is MYNE
om op hierdie punt te kon kom het 'n jaar van storm ...NEE n jaar van Tsunami's
om die gebeure te lys is nutteloos..
om te getuig dat Hy sorg is kosbaar.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Life
A Personal Story: Pornography and Marriage
Posted on April 5, 2010 by lorilowe| 8 Comments
Last week I shared some detailed research on the Effects of Pornography on Marriage, Family & the Community. But I wanted to take this issue to a more individual, human level. The following is a revealing interview with Stu Gray, a happily married man (you’ll find his relationship posts at The Marry Blogger) who shares his personal experience with casual, then addictive use of porn.
When did you begin using pornography?I fell into pornography when I was a pre-teen/early teenager of maybe 12. I spent junior high and high school sneaking around the house looking at pornography that belonged to my dad – my or friends’ dads. When I went away to college, I began my own collection; by my sophomore year, the Internet had become an easy way to gain access to pornographic images.
I told many girlfriends, “Porn is just a way of life. Get used to it, or don’t be in a relationship with me.” Porn became a “destresser” after a long day—or a companion on a lonely night. I spent a lot of time with porn, at least daily at some points. There were seasons of time when it would be less important or exciting, but I would say on average my viewing was some sort of image once or twice a day.
I threw out all my magazines and videos the year my wife and I were married in 2004, but the computer still proved to be an issue for me. I really felt a change in my behavior happen in the fall of 2008, and porn has not been a huge temptation for me since then.
How did pornography use affect your marriage?Porn affected my marriage in huge ways. It put a roadblock between me and my wife on many occasions. She felt I was always comparing her to an image; she did not understand my desire or need for the extra images or stimulation, believing that she should be my source of sexual desire.
Now, because of our experience with porn, we have learned some very important lessons about our relationship. We discovered that anything that comes between a couple can be a wedge to pry them apart—or an opportunity to grow together—and to stand together and fight it.
My wife doesn’t like the fact that I have had this struggle, but she is my biggest fan. She realizes that we are a team, and we have to fight together against this thing…and not let it come between us. She used to view me thru the lens of pornography, and so did I. But when we moved the porn out from “between” us and put it “in front” of us, we were better able to battle it together. Not that we would wish any type of problem on any relationship, but this has been a blessing in our life – allowing us to learn a very important principle about being “one” as a husband and wife.
Did you find it addictive?I didn’t believe porn was addictive until I decided I wanted to stop. Then I realized that I really had a problem. I used porn to medicate hurts, to relieve stress, to disconnect from real life. Many of those things are the exact same reasons people turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, over-eating—any of the “addictions” we normally think of in our society.
Did it make you feel less attached to your wife?Absolutely. If my wife is to be the person I share our sexual intimacy with…and I am off by myself in “porn land” getting some sort of false intimacy from someone who is not my wife…guess what? It changes the way I interact with her. I don’t have to be kind to her. I don’t really have to pay her attention. I tended to get upset easier, because I felt she wasn’t meeting my every sexual need (something I believed porn did). I had fewer reasons to be kind because my sexual need was being met, often, by myself. Communication would become difficult—or harsh—much more easily.
There seemed to always be a cloud in our relationship. It was made up of lying about porn, and hiding it. That also took its toll on our marriage, spending so much effort on cleaning up behind myself online to hide where I had been. It became a hassle. And, it catches up with you. To think that your decisions and choices won’t catch up to you is stupid. There always comes a time when you are caught, and have to face the music (and in my faith – that time to face the music may not be during my life here on earth). It wasn’t on the scale of Tiger, Jesse James, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, or Dave Letterman, but it didn’t have to be to still be hurtful and negatively impact my marriage.
How do you think your pornography use affected your wife?I believe it impacted her more than I know. Negatively – it destroyed trust and safety in our marriage. It put her confidence in me on the line. If I was being shifty in this area, was I being shifty in other areas as well? It made me hard to deal with, selfish and child-like.
On the positive side though, I have to give her credit. She, through much prayer and counsel, came to the realization of it being “us vs. porn.” If she had not had that epiphany and decided to come alongside me in this battle, and pray with me and for me, to encourage me, to help me stay accountable to people and remember my true desires (to be the best man I can be), I don’t know where we would be today.
How/why did you stop?There were several times that I wanted to stop, and tried to stop. I had many reasons to stop…yet, the reasons were outside of myself. I would think, “I have to stop because people will think I have an addiction,” or “I have to stop because I might hurt someone,” or “’I have to stop because I don’t want my son to have a problem.” When I realized that I, first, wanted to be a better man, a man of better character, because I wanted to be better for me, then for my wife and son, for other relationships, that’s when the change really began for me.
One of the first decisions I made that led to change was my decision to give my life over to God as an adult. I had always thought of myself as a “Christian” because I went to a Christian school and didn’t drink and do drugs. I was a pretty OK guy in my mind. But I realized that my life wasn’t really OK—that I was a broken dude, and needed someone more than just myself to really bring about change.
Here are some practical ways that have helped me:
I ditched every piece of porn I owned. Trashed it in a big green dumpster. That was very first step. There were several more, but this was a physical act breaking away from the habit that I wanted to stop. I want to be a better man. To be a real man of character. Still broken, but trying to live out my life humbly – realizing that I couldn’t do it all on my own. When I really began feeling freedom from porn in 2008, that was the exact same time that my personal computer blew up. Literally—it just stopped working. I had to go to the public library to do any type of work. So, every day for a month, I was at the library in the computer lounge surrounded by people. It was a real reason to not surf porn. I was in public. When I finally got the new computer, the temptation was much less, because I was used to new habits.
I made the decision that I wanted to be better for me.
I changed up my habits.
I tried several groups…Sexaholics Anonymous was like dipping my toe in the water of “recovery” for me. I didn’t connect there for whatever reason, but did find another great Christian-based group called Samson Society. These are guys who are looking for real life and real relationships. It’s not a “sex addicts” group by any means. It’s a “Hey I’m messed up, he’s messed up, lets be in each others life so when we feel like messing up again, we can encourage one another to not be stupid” group. (Several Recovery Groups)
I meet with one guy whom I share everything with. I tried to have my wife be that person for a while…and that was too much for her. As much as she supports me and loves me, it still hurt for her to hear when I had messed up, or wanted to mess up. So, this guy and I share our lives with one another. We call one another and check in. It really helps.
I filter my computer use. In the past, I have limited the time on the computer, the places I could visit…and I still do this. There are several great programs you can use to help steer in a better direction. (Several Filters for Computer)
http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/04/05/a-personal-story-pornography-and-marriage/
Posted on April 5, 2010 by lorilowe| 8 Comments
Last week I shared some detailed research on the Effects of Pornography on Marriage, Family & the Community. But I wanted to take this issue to a more individual, human level. The following is a revealing interview with Stu Gray, a happily married man (you’ll find his relationship posts at The Marry Blogger) who shares his personal experience with casual, then addictive use of porn.
When did you begin using pornography?I fell into pornography when I was a pre-teen/early teenager of maybe 12. I spent junior high and high school sneaking around the house looking at pornography that belonged to my dad – my or friends’ dads. When I went away to college, I began my own collection; by my sophomore year, the Internet had become an easy way to gain access to pornographic images.
I told many girlfriends, “Porn is just a way of life. Get used to it, or don’t be in a relationship with me.” Porn became a “destresser” after a long day—or a companion on a lonely night. I spent a lot of time with porn, at least daily at some points. There were seasons of time when it would be less important or exciting, but I would say on average my viewing was some sort of image once or twice a day.
I threw out all my magazines and videos the year my wife and I were married in 2004, but the computer still proved to be an issue for me. I really felt a change in my behavior happen in the fall of 2008, and porn has not been a huge temptation for me since then.
How did pornography use affect your marriage?Porn affected my marriage in huge ways. It put a roadblock between me and my wife on many occasions. She felt I was always comparing her to an image; she did not understand my desire or need for the extra images or stimulation, believing that she should be my source of sexual desire.
Now, because of our experience with porn, we have learned some very important lessons about our relationship. We discovered that anything that comes between a couple can be a wedge to pry them apart—or an opportunity to grow together—and to stand together and fight it.
My wife doesn’t like the fact that I have had this struggle, but she is my biggest fan. She realizes that we are a team, and we have to fight together against this thing…and not let it come between us. She used to view me thru the lens of pornography, and so did I. But when we moved the porn out from “between” us and put it “in front” of us, we were better able to battle it together. Not that we would wish any type of problem on any relationship, but this has been a blessing in our life – allowing us to learn a very important principle about being “one” as a husband and wife.
Did you find it addictive?I didn’t believe porn was addictive until I decided I wanted to stop. Then I realized that I really had a problem. I used porn to medicate hurts, to relieve stress, to disconnect from real life. Many of those things are the exact same reasons people turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, over-eating—any of the “addictions” we normally think of in our society.
Did it make you feel less attached to your wife?Absolutely. If my wife is to be the person I share our sexual intimacy with…and I am off by myself in “porn land” getting some sort of false intimacy from someone who is not my wife…guess what? It changes the way I interact with her. I don’t have to be kind to her. I don’t really have to pay her attention. I tended to get upset easier, because I felt she wasn’t meeting my every sexual need (something I believed porn did). I had fewer reasons to be kind because my sexual need was being met, often, by myself. Communication would become difficult—or harsh—much more easily.
There seemed to always be a cloud in our relationship. It was made up of lying about porn, and hiding it. That also took its toll on our marriage, spending so much effort on cleaning up behind myself online to hide where I had been. It became a hassle. And, it catches up with you. To think that your decisions and choices won’t catch up to you is stupid. There always comes a time when you are caught, and have to face the music (and in my faith – that time to face the music may not be during my life here on earth). It wasn’t on the scale of Tiger, Jesse James, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, or Dave Letterman, but it didn’t have to be to still be hurtful and negatively impact my marriage.
How do you think your pornography use affected your wife?I believe it impacted her more than I know. Negatively – it destroyed trust and safety in our marriage. It put her confidence in me on the line. If I was being shifty in this area, was I being shifty in other areas as well? It made me hard to deal with, selfish and child-like.
On the positive side though, I have to give her credit. She, through much prayer and counsel, came to the realization of it being “us vs. porn.” If she had not had that epiphany and decided to come alongside me in this battle, and pray with me and for me, to encourage me, to help me stay accountable to people and remember my true desires (to be the best man I can be), I don’t know where we would be today.
How/why did you stop?There were several times that I wanted to stop, and tried to stop. I had many reasons to stop…yet, the reasons were outside of myself. I would think, “I have to stop because people will think I have an addiction,” or “I have to stop because I might hurt someone,” or “’I have to stop because I don’t want my son to have a problem.” When I realized that I, first, wanted to be a better man, a man of better character, because I wanted to be better for me, then for my wife and son, for other relationships, that’s when the change really began for me.
One of the first decisions I made that led to change was my decision to give my life over to God as an adult. I had always thought of myself as a “Christian” because I went to a Christian school and didn’t drink and do drugs. I was a pretty OK guy in my mind. But I realized that my life wasn’t really OK—that I was a broken dude, and needed someone more than just myself to really bring about change.
Here are some practical ways that have helped me:
I ditched every piece of porn I owned. Trashed it in a big green dumpster. That was very first step. There were several more, but this was a physical act breaking away from the habit that I wanted to stop. I want to be a better man. To be a real man of character. Still broken, but trying to live out my life humbly – realizing that I couldn’t do it all on my own. When I really began feeling freedom from porn in 2008, that was the exact same time that my personal computer blew up. Literally—it just stopped working. I had to go to the public library to do any type of work. So, every day for a month, I was at the library in the computer lounge surrounded by people. It was a real reason to not surf porn. I was in public. When I finally got the new computer, the temptation was much less, because I was used to new habits.
I made the decision that I wanted to be better for me.
I changed up my habits.
I tried several groups…Sexaholics Anonymous was like dipping my toe in the water of “recovery” for me. I didn’t connect there for whatever reason, but did find another great Christian-based group called Samson Society. These are guys who are looking for real life and real relationships. It’s not a “sex addicts” group by any means. It’s a “Hey I’m messed up, he’s messed up, lets be in each others life so when we feel like messing up again, we can encourage one another to not be stupid” group. (Several Recovery Groups)
I meet with one guy whom I share everything with. I tried to have my wife be that person for a while…and that was too much for her. As much as she supports me and loves me, it still hurt for her to hear when I had messed up, or wanted to mess up. So, this guy and I share our lives with one another. We call one another and check in. It really helps.
I filter my computer use. In the past, I have limited the time on the computer, the places I could visit…and I still do this. There are several great programs you can use to help steer in a better direction. (Several Filters for Computer)
http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/04/05/a-personal-story-pornography-and-marriage/
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Kleindogtertjie droom
Gedurende die laaste twee weke het ek besef hoe vinnig ek 'n droom vir realiteit verruil. Ek moes stil staan en besef dat die ruil van droom vir realiteit, gestalte gevind het in seer en vinnig groot word. Iewers moes die tiener in my plek maak vir die verantwoordlikhede van 'n volwassene. Die betaal van rekeninge nog voor ek geweet het 'n kar se bande het loopvlakke....
Die seer het my hart, hard gemaak vir dit, wat my moes vrou maak. Dit wat ander meisies met soveel oorgawe vertel, beleef en ervaar het, het ek bestempel as cliche, goedkoop, emosionele, tydmors twak.
Tot ek op 'n Donderdagmiddag die vrede in 'n vriendin se oe gesien het...Toe het dit begin sin maak.
Iewers gedurende hierdie laaste 10 jaar van holderstebloder vrou word, was dit makliker om die fyner dinge van vrou wees opsy te stoot in 'n wereld waar ek dit moes maak... en self moes baklei vir dit waarmee soveel ander net in hul pa se arms ingehardloop het. Dit was makliker om blomme en maanligetes en "girls nights" af te maak as tydmors as om die leemte in my te face en die verwardheid te konfronteer. Ek sal seker nooit die tiara op die kop Ester vrou wees nie, want dit is nie wie ek is nie...EN cliche maak my naar... Maar ek is vandag in my hart oortuig elke vrou is 'n bos blomme en 'n uit die bloute sms "ek is lief vir jou" werd. Elke vrou het nodig om dit te hoor. Elke vrou het nodig om te weet dat die ridder wat jou gekies het, jou -" tiara of te not" bo die res uitsonder.
Ek besef net vandag - ons as vrouens het so baie om te gaan terug vat. Ons het nodig om ons te ontferm oor die feminis - want daar is 'n rede. Ons het nodig om te luister na die "bitch"...want agter daardie masker is daar 'n klein dogtertjie wat begeer om in 'n pienk rok rond te draai. Ons het nodig om tyd te spandeer saam met die "koekiedrukker" vrou wat smag om weg te breek uit roetine. In elkeen van ons is .. meer as dit wat beskawing jou wil afmaak om te wees. Selfs die "los" meisie wat jou ou afgevry het, het jou drukkie nodig....
Ek het 'n begeerte om te sien hoe elke vrou in die gemak van wie sy is, kan funksioneer. Of dit dan nou is om te gaan draf in die reen...of drie kinders groot te maak.
Ons is geskape om kleur te stooi. Ons is geskape om die "suitable helper" te wees. En dit is nie net 'n rol van mooi lyk, lekker ruik en gewig verloor nie....dit is soveel meer. Maar in dit is ek nog op 'n journey om die waarheid te vind....in dit besef ek ons IS geskape om God se" gentleness" te openbaar. Ons is veronderstel om Sy hartklop en emosie te ervaar...wat soms beteken dat ons nie prakties of logies hoef te wees nie..
Dit is regtig 'n random journey ....'n paar los gedagtes...ek is wel in die tyd uitgedaag om weer te droom oor hoe God my regtig geskape het...wat Hy regtig vir my beplan het...en wat Hy uit Sy Vaderhart vir my wil he...
Die seer het my hart, hard gemaak vir dit, wat my moes vrou maak. Dit wat ander meisies met soveel oorgawe vertel, beleef en ervaar het, het ek bestempel as cliche, goedkoop, emosionele, tydmors twak.
Tot ek op 'n Donderdagmiddag die vrede in 'n vriendin se oe gesien het...Toe het dit begin sin maak.
Iewers gedurende hierdie laaste 10 jaar van holderstebloder vrou word, was dit makliker om die fyner dinge van vrou wees opsy te stoot in 'n wereld waar ek dit moes maak... en self moes baklei vir dit waarmee soveel ander net in hul pa se arms ingehardloop het. Dit was makliker om blomme en maanligetes en "girls nights" af te maak as tydmors as om die leemte in my te face en die verwardheid te konfronteer. Ek sal seker nooit die tiara op die kop Ester vrou wees nie, want dit is nie wie ek is nie...EN cliche maak my naar... Maar ek is vandag in my hart oortuig elke vrou is 'n bos blomme en 'n uit die bloute sms "ek is lief vir jou" werd. Elke vrou het nodig om dit te hoor. Elke vrou het nodig om te weet dat die ridder wat jou gekies het, jou -" tiara of te not" bo die res uitsonder.
Ek besef net vandag - ons as vrouens het so baie om te gaan terug vat. Ons het nodig om ons te ontferm oor die feminis - want daar is 'n rede. Ons het nodig om te luister na die "bitch"...want agter daardie masker is daar 'n klein dogtertjie wat begeer om in 'n pienk rok rond te draai. Ons het nodig om tyd te spandeer saam met die "koekiedrukker" vrou wat smag om weg te breek uit roetine. In elkeen van ons is .. meer as dit wat beskawing jou wil afmaak om te wees. Selfs die "los" meisie wat jou ou afgevry het, het jou drukkie nodig....
Ek het 'n begeerte om te sien hoe elke vrou in die gemak van wie sy is, kan funksioneer. Of dit dan nou is om te gaan draf in die reen...of drie kinders groot te maak.
Ons is geskape om kleur te stooi. Ons is geskape om die "suitable helper" te wees. En dit is nie net 'n rol van mooi lyk, lekker ruik en gewig verloor nie....dit is soveel meer. Maar in dit is ek nog op 'n journey om die waarheid te vind....in dit besef ek ons IS geskape om God se" gentleness" te openbaar. Ons is veronderstel om Sy hartklop en emosie te ervaar...wat soms beteken dat ons nie prakties of logies hoef te wees nie..
Dit is regtig 'n random journey ....'n paar los gedagtes...ek is wel in die tyd uitgedaag om weer te droom oor hoe God my regtig geskape het...wat Hy regtig vir my beplan het...en wat Hy uit Sy Vaderhart vir my wil he...
Monday, September 14, 2009
Collective
I sat in front of my laptop, really pondering about this article, for some reason the emotion living in my heart did not want to shape into words to justify the wrong that I found in thinking about this.
When is the last time that you were really heard? That you experienced someone listening to you with heart, ears, eyes and body? When is the last time you really felt, I have said what I wanted to say. When is the last time you spoke back in response to what someone said and not in self-defense or ambushing someone to collect the ammunition for the next round.
We have friends we carry around with us daily yours might be rejection, mine is certainly the fear of failure. My friend became my advisor for most of my life; it taught me how to think and how to respond. My friend helped me to build walls in defense and to communicate in the battlefield I created.
Why are we so afraid to listen to others and why are we so eager to embrace the voice of your so called friends living in our heads shaped by the paradigms of society?
Noise is all around us.
Visual: The cover of a magazine communicates and I listen, I look at the airbrushed, photo-shop edited model and I listen to the well acquainted friend called rejection.
Verbal: Think about the Maybeline adds… ”Maybe she is born with it…maybe it is Maybeline”
Audio: (“I am a slave for you” by Britney Spears.) Reading this what did you hear and who taught you to listen and perceive in the way you did?
The world we live in communicate to us daily. There is never a moment of silence. Since the day you were born the very first message you received was that you can be better, more beautiful, thinner and successful. Most of us were not trained in listening to the message that is communicated and became friends with the voice that stood up in our inner being the very first time you understood the message of “not good enough” that was conveyed to you.
How do you listen? Do you listen out of an identity that was born out of the heart of the Father? Do you listen with the heartbeat of a daughter knowing that He has a plan and a purpose and a divine appointment with your hurt, suffering and anger? Do you listen with a picture of a true Father that is marveled by the works of His hands?
I challenged myself to start listening in this manner to girls I meet on a daily basis, knowing that somewhere between the layers of confusion there is beauty. Beauty unfading. I challenge myself to listen with my inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in a hopeless and deprived generation’s sight. I challenge myself to listen with heart, body and eyes. Because somewhere between all the hurt and the walls of self-defense, there is an unfading beauty. Somewhere beyond the battlefield of words there is a dove with a broken wing, waiting for healing and to take of in flight. Over and above your pride I listen to the wound that you want to cover by embarrassing me. In the` leaves of your salad I listen to your hungry soul crying out to be nourished.
The next time you listen to your girlfriends or some girl you just met I challenge you to really listen. What is this that she is conveying? Stop acting in self-defense. Listen with your heart, eyes and body. Communicate a message of love, hope, acceptance and understanding. Reach out to the untouched and communicate back all that was stolen.
I leave you with this message….Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue(communication, listening) has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”
May you gossip the secret kept for ages “Isaiah 54:4-5- Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is HIS name- the HOLY One of Israel is your REDEEMER; He is called the GOD of all the earth.”
When is the last time that you were really heard? That you experienced someone listening to you with heart, ears, eyes and body? When is the last time you really felt, I have said what I wanted to say. When is the last time you spoke back in response to what someone said and not in self-defense or ambushing someone to collect the ammunition for the next round.
We have friends we carry around with us daily yours might be rejection, mine is certainly the fear of failure. My friend became my advisor for most of my life; it taught me how to think and how to respond. My friend helped me to build walls in defense and to communicate in the battlefield I created.
Why are we so afraid to listen to others and why are we so eager to embrace the voice of your so called friends living in our heads shaped by the paradigms of society?
Noise is all around us.
Visual: The cover of a magazine communicates and I listen, I look at the airbrushed, photo-shop edited model and I listen to the well acquainted friend called rejection.
Verbal: Think about the Maybeline adds… ”Maybe she is born with it…maybe it is Maybeline”
Audio: (“I am a slave for you” by Britney Spears.) Reading this what did you hear and who taught you to listen and perceive in the way you did?
The world we live in communicate to us daily. There is never a moment of silence. Since the day you were born the very first message you received was that you can be better, more beautiful, thinner and successful. Most of us were not trained in listening to the message that is communicated and became friends with the voice that stood up in our inner being the very first time you understood the message of “not good enough” that was conveyed to you.
How do you listen? Do you listen out of an identity that was born out of the heart of the Father? Do you listen with the heartbeat of a daughter knowing that He has a plan and a purpose and a divine appointment with your hurt, suffering and anger? Do you listen with a picture of a true Father that is marveled by the works of His hands?
I challenged myself to start listening in this manner to girls I meet on a daily basis, knowing that somewhere between the layers of confusion there is beauty. Beauty unfading. I challenge myself to listen with my inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in a hopeless and deprived generation’s sight. I challenge myself to listen with heart, body and eyes. Because somewhere between all the hurt and the walls of self-defense, there is an unfading beauty. Somewhere beyond the battlefield of words there is a dove with a broken wing, waiting for healing and to take of in flight. Over and above your pride I listen to the wound that you want to cover by embarrassing me. In the` leaves of your salad I listen to your hungry soul crying out to be nourished.
The next time you listen to your girlfriends or some girl you just met I challenge you to really listen. What is this that she is conveying? Stop acting in self-defense. Listen with your heart, eyes and body. Communicate a message of love, hope, acceptance and understanding. Reach out to the untouched and communicate back all that was stolen.
I leave you with this message….Proverbs 18:21 “The tongue(communication, listening) has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”
May you gossip the secret kept for ages “Isaiah 54:4-5- Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband- the LORD Almighty is HIS name- the HOLY One of Israel is your REDEEMER; He is called the GOD of all the earth.”
Monday, September 7, 2009
Running in circles...
I just have the urge to write this down...to write it
all "out" as such... it's almost like these emotions
have me in detention. I am so sick of not being the
master of my emotions. They are running wild, mocking
me like a bird being mocked whilst in a cage.
It influences my whole being:
So what is the function of these emotions - why have
I only start experiencing them since I started the
new venture that I am on.
The funny thing is you can't call them a name, it
is not one feeling "not good enough"
it is just a mixing bowl full of tears, joy fear
and not even getting close to tast the bake.
I do not even know if this is bringing me closer
to God. I do not even know if this is God.
All I know is that I want it to fade...
How can this be normal wanting to lose sensitivity,
compassion, fullfilment, commitment..
just a thought..not a feeling...
all "out" as such... it's almost like these emotions
have me in detention. I am so sick of not being the
master of my emotions. They are running wild, mocking
me like a bird being mocked whilst in a cage.
It influences my whole being:
So what is the function of these emotions - why have
I only start experiencing them since I started the
new venture that I am on.
The funny thing is you can't call them a name, it
is not one feeling "not good enough"
it is just a mixing bowl full of tears, joy fear
and not even getting close to tast the bake.
I do not even know if this is bringing me closer
to God. I do not even know if this is God.
All I know is that I want it to fade...
How can this be normal wanting to lose sensitivity,
compassion, fullfilment, commitment..
just a thought..not a feeling...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Walls
Walls:
Why I can't do this- because I want it to be about YOU
I am lost in paradigm, structure, my so called friend religion.
I do not know YOU yet I made a choice to lay down my insecurity.
I want to worship YOU yet I come to your feet not feeling worthy.
I forgot or was taught that it's done, forgetting why YOU came, forgetting that
YOU do not mention it again. Forgetting that YOU look in the MIRROR
of YOUR SON.
Standing all dressed in white I choose to look down and miss,
the picture of the Beauty traded for ashes. I want to run
down this isle into YOUR arms of GRACE but somewhere, sometime,
somehow, someone told me that it is not how it's done.
Once I was told YOU are a lover,once I was told
YOU are a friend..Confusion is raging....
Somehow, along the line of thinking and pictures painted,
books on the shelve I messed up the canvas of the picture
YOU painted once on the cross!
And Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive..
YOUR arms is open..YOUR daughters & sons is arising..Because
YOUR arms is open..The canvas is mirrored the reflection I
see is one of a BRIDE all dressed in white..and then YOU reminded
me to look down the isle..And there YOU stood...looking at the love
of YOUR live....
Why I can't do this- because I want it to be about YOU
I am lost in paradigm, structure, my so called friend religion.
I do not know YOU yet I made a choice to lay down my insecurity.
I want to worship YOU yet I come to your feet not feeling worthy.
I forgot or was taught that it's done, forgetting why YOU came, forgetting that
YOU do not mention it again. Forgetting that YOU look in the MIRROR
of YOUR SON.
Standing all dressed in white I choose to look down and miss,
the picture of the Beauty traded for ashes. I want to run
down this isle into YOUR arms of GRACE but somewhere, sometime,
somehow, someone told me that it is not how it's done.
Once I was told YOU are a lover,once I was told
YOU are a friend..Confusion is raging....
Somehow, along the line of thinking and pictures painted,
books on the shelve I messed up the canvas of the picture
YOU painted once on the cross!
And Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive, and Jesus is alive..
YOUR arms is open..YOUR daughters & sons is arising..Because
YOUR arms is open..The canvas is mirrored the reflection I
see is one of a BRIDE all dressed in white..and then YOU reminded
me to look down the isle..And there YOU stood...looking at the love
of YOUR live....
Friday, May 29, 2009
Blind faith....
Yesterday I took a big step..I think the last time I was so scared to do something was when I left my security and friends in England...
The funny thing is that there was just a little bit more excitement involved...I was on my way to South Africa becoming a missionary...and in my frame of mind just for a year or two...after that I would have been on my way back to university...looking after my future.....so I was pretty much a backseat driver!
Today 4 years and 4 months later...
I am sitting behind my laptop writing this. Not a graduate, not a mother nor a wife maybe even not such a good friend yet...basically nothing I planned or hoped for....and maybe even more broken and humble than the first time I made this commitment.
This time I do not even have a glimpse of what is coming...it is a bit less of an adventure, because my heart towards the Father has changed...My heart is failing to find Him were I always did. My heart is failing to understand Him like I thought I did. It's failing to connect to the one's that was just like me...those I thought I was able to learn from....
There is very little excitement involved, just a constant realisation the I need to chance. I need to be different if I want to find Him...in fact I have been praying very hard..I have been humbled more than once, I cry ever so often... do not get me wrong..I am not unhappy...I am just baffled by the sorted out people I meet...
I find comfort in the life of David...his honest approach to questioning God, trusting, failing, leaning, praising,crying and trying.
I want to question those with the answers...because I am convinced that if we wait and wail, we will taste and see so much more.....I am convinced that if we endure this season we will be consumed by the WATER that will make us thirst no more....
The funny thing is that there was just a little bit more excitement involved...I was on my way to South Africa becoming a missionary...and in my frame of mind just for a year or two...after that I would have been on my way back to university...looking after my future.....so I was pretty much a backseat driver!
Today 4 years and 4 months later...
I am sitting behind my laptop writing this. Not a graduate, not a mother nor a wife maybe even not such a good friend yet...basically nothing I planned or hoped for....and maybe even more broken and humble than the first time I made this commitment.
This time I do not even have a glimpse of what is coming...it is a bit less of an adventure, because my heart towards the Father has changed...My heart is failing to find Him were I always did. My heart is failing to understand Him like I thought I did. It's failing to connect to the one's that was just like me...those I thought I was able to learn from....
There is very little excitement involved, just a constant realisation the I need to chance. I need to be different if I want to find Him...in fact I have been praying very hard..I have been humbled more than once, I cry ever so often... do not get me wrong..I am not unhappy...I am just baffled by the sorted out people I meet...
I find comfort in the life of David...his honest approach to questioning God, trusting, failing, leaning, praising,crying and trying.
I want to question those with the answers...because I am convinced that if we wait and wail, we will taste and see so much more.....I am convinced that if we endure this season we will be consumed by the WATER that will make us thirst no more....
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Empty
A few weeks ago I saw something - and I forgot to note!
A whole production line....of yellow stones, I felt a bit disappointed
but then after thinking about it for a while..
I realised yet again, God intended different for me.
Why do I struggle so much with this?
Why do I always need to plan, because in my disappointment I went searching and found...love, hope and faith..and I found it
in simplicity..
in meaning...
in simbolism....
His plans goes above and beyond I can imagine...it is time to lay myself down again..
because I am just not that far seeing, ever hearing, all knowing and creative...
A whole production line....of yellow stones, I felt a bit disappointed
but then after thinking about it for a while..
I realised yet again, God intended different for me.
Why do I struggle so much with this?
Why do I always need to plan, because in my disappointment I went searching and found...love, hope and faith..and I found it
in simplicity..
in meaning...
in simbolism....
His plans goes above and beyond I can imagine...it is time to lay myself down again..
because I am just not that far seeing, ever hearing, all knowing and creative...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Ministry
Saturday I woke up and I had this sentence spinning round and round in my heart not even my head.. I was able to feel this, it was almost like my whole body was in rhythm with the meaning....
I want you to quit ministry and accept a job at life...
At first hand I thought ....
:::OK this is now it, God is for once really concerned with my sanity and is now giving me a break...I think you will only understand if you read the last three post on this blog, that I hit a rough spot and really did not want to be associated with anything and everything called church or Christianity
But then I had a glimpse back to the Friday evening when Coert and I visited the video shop very late and met the lady working in the shop sitting on the tables at Steers chatting to the lady that is the cashier at the Steers, both of them was having a smoke break. I do not even smoke but I had a burning desire to go and sit with them, to get to know them.
I suddenly I knew this is what God is saying:
See, for so long many people a know left their dreams to be in full time ministry. Many teenagers I know are confused about the dreams they have for studies and future jobs because it is just not noble....If you want to become a fashion designer you are vain....how can you as a Christian be part of a world that is full of gays, promiscuity, wild parties, drugs and a not so stable ethic style of doing business?
I do not know about you reading this. But does this sound familiar? Have you been part of this? Have your dreams been replaced with something more noble, more worthy? This teaching I received for so long in church, the condemnation that grew in my heart of wanting to chase my own dreams whilst the world is dying.....
But today I am thankful for yet another human burden that was lifted. You see because so often we put our Christianity in compartments...now we worship, now we teach, now we reach out and now we have quite time with God...
I do not believe that this is God's heart. I do not believe you have to give up your dreams to become a conformed, cookie shaped christian moving around in circles looking for the lost. I believe His heart was in LIFE...in everyday, every moment, every thought and every motion. I believe He prepared the soil for you where He placed your dream the day He created you. I want to encourage you birth the designer in you! Birth the editor in you! Hold on to your dream.
I believe that I should now get to a place where I spent my time with LIFE, not confined to the 7 hours at school or the Sunday service. And I do not want this to be a thought that I've put on paper, I want this to be me. I really desire to get to know the lady at the video store, I want to know here for what she has been rejected for, I want to know her for what she has lost hope for. I really desire to grow this heart for people, but I know this is hard and I need to be moved by grace and humility. I just know I do not want this to be vain or a thought... I must confess I do not know how to do this...I am just trusting that God will see this humble heart in me, that He will accept my repentance of judgements past... so I am holding on not sure what I will do when the opportunity hit me...but having faith...that God might just use a women like me...
Please read the following scriptures: 1 Tim 4 & Jerm 29:1-14
I want you to quit ministry and accept a job at life...
At first hand I thought ....
:::OK this is now it, God is for once really concerned with my sanity and is now giving me a break...I think you will only understand if you read the last three post on this blog, that I hit a rough spot and really did not want to be associated with anything and everything called church or Christianity
But then I had a glimpse back to the Friday evening when Coert and I visited the video shop very late and met the lady working in the shop sitting on the tables at Steers chatting to the lady that is the cashier at the Steers, both of them was having a smoke break. I do not even smoke but I had a burning desire to go and sit with them, to get to know them.
I suddenly I knew this is what God is saying:
See, for so long many people a know left their dreams to be in full time ministry. Many teenagers I know are confused about the dreams they have for studies and future jobs because it is just not noble....If you want to become a fashion designer you are vain....how can you as a Christian be part of a world that is full of gays, promiscuity, wild parties, drugs and a not so stable ethic style of doing business?
I do not know about you reading this. But does this sound familiar? Have you been part of this? Have your dreams been replaced with something more noble, more worthy? This teaching I received for so long in church, the condemnation that grew in my heart of wanting to chase my own dreams whilst the world is dying.....
But today I am thankful for yet another human burden that was lifted. You see because so often we put our Christianity in compartments...now we worship, now we teach, now we reach out and now we have quite time with God...
I do not believe that this is God's heart. I do not believe you have to give up your dreams to become a conformed, cookie shaped christian moving around in circles looking for the lost. I believe His heart was in LIFE...in everyday, every moment, every thought and every motion. I believe He prepared the soil for you where He placed your dream the day He created you. I want to encourage you birth the designer in you! Birth the editor in you! Hold on to your dream.
I believe that I should now get to a place where I spent my time with LIFE, not confined to the 7 hours at school or the Sunday service. And I do not want this to be a thought that I've put on paper, I want this to be me. I really desire to get to know the lady at the video store, I want to know here for what she has been rejected for, I want to know her for what she has lost hope for. I really desire to grow this heart for people, but I know this is hard and I need to be moved by grace and humility. I just know I do not want this to be vain or a thought... I must confess I do not know how to do this...I am just trusting that God will see this humble heart in me, that He will accept my repentance of judgements past... so I am holding on not sure what I will do when the opportunity hit me...but having faith...that God might just use a women like me...
Please read the following scriptures: 1 Tim 4 & Jerm 29:1-14
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